Since we met last time, I had to “cease and desist” my estrogen (per doctor’s orders) because of a liver ailment. I have to tell you it nearly broke my heart but now all is much better with the liver diagnosis and I may be able to start back on estrogen soon.
The hormone has been a ‘funny critter’ with me. Sure, it produces external body changes but more importantly to me were the ways I saw and touched the world – these are real changes to me but extremely hard to explain to others. Especially to cis women who grew up with them and don’t understand! But I will try.
Very subtly the colors in the world began to change – along with my senses. Then, after I was adjusting, my world changed abruptly back with the unwelcome resurgence of testosterone. I felt my circle was totally shattered and was literally in tears talking to my Doctor. He was calm, firm and stood his ground when he told me would I rather live longer off estrogen, than on it? Of course I answered I was “pro-life”. I am taking the time to reassess though, what the whole hormonal regimen means to my transition.
Among other virtues I re-discovered was the unexpected depth of my transition and how I arrived here after 66 years. I ended up calling it the “snowball effect.” Think of it this way, your transition is like a snow ball. You pack the center tightly, turn it loose and roll it down a hill. The farther the snowball goes, it picks up more momentum and finally (your transition) ends up rolling easier than you ever thought possible.
To help your own “snowball” along, here are a couple hints: One, I try to never set myself up for failure by venturing into potentially negative situations-or even neutral ones. Very early in my transition process, I felt excessive visits to gay venues or walking up and down malls window shopping did very little to provide insights into how cis-women really lived. Instead, I was fortunate and met a couple women who adopted me as their friend.
My snowball is rolling now and gaining size as my partner and I have joined several “meet up” groups who are not necessarily LGBT at all. I benefit as (my cis partner) directs the group into my gender preference by calling me “she” and “her.” If any such interest groups exist where you live, I highly recommend joining. We are also members of an earth based spiritual group, a creative group, and I even go to a knitting group of women and do my writing. In fact, Anything to reinforce my feminine life.
Obviously, just being in the world as the person of your dreams will give you the confidence to do more, until you go all the way.
Sure it’s never going to be easy. After all, erasing all those years of a male life and beginning an all new feminine one is one of the most difficult tasks a human can attempt.
Many ask me too, how did I know I was doing the right thing during my transition and why not have surgery? First of all, surgery was never an option for me. I don’t have the finances or the belief SRS would benefit me all that much at my age. On the other hand, the more I explored a feminine life, the more natural I felt. A resounding “yes”! My circle of life has been closed.